Marriage maintenance

Books share information on maintenance for marriage. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman are two good ones. They are also available as audio books.

To prevent a breakdown regular maintenance is required. No maintenance could result in a blowout, meltdown, slow leak, collapse or a total structural failure. The same is true for marriage.

While dating most couples are generous with complements and kind words. They spend lots of time together. Gifts are given for no reason at all. Plenty of physical affection is shown. Acts of service are done without a request.

Then along comes marriage. Focus shifts to jobs, personal interests, children and the needs of others. All the faults of one’s spouse are suddenly very annoying. Negative traits seem greater than the positive.

It may have started like a slow leak but all of a sudden there was a blowout. The creaks and squeaks were ignored until things suddenly ground to a halt. Then the big “D” word was mentioned.

Even if a marriage has come to a total collapse there can still be hope. Many couples have rebuilt their marriages better and stronger than their first try. But it does require work. The more damage there is the more work it will take to fix.

The first thing that has to happen is for the most mature spouse to make the first move. They need to start acting loving or respectful to their spouse. Women need to be shown love. Men need to be shown respect. This is regardless of whether or not they deserve it. But it must be genuine.

How is love and respect shown some might ask? Think back to what you did for your spouse before you were married. Have you done anything like that lately?

What things did you appreciate about them then? Do they know what you appreciate about them? How was physical affection shown then compared to now?

Now is the time to make improvements. A 90 day trial period can be set. Then at the end of the 90 days look back and see the improvement.

If your spouse likes words of encouragement point out their strengths. Send a card, email or make a phone call in the middle of the day. Let them know what it is you appreciate about them.

When time spent together is what matters most to your spouse go for a walk together. Working in the garden or even doing the grocery shopping together will be appreciated.

If gifts are what your spouse likes look for little things with big meaning. A bookmark or paper weight with an endearing statement would be cherished. Flowers picked from the yard and arranged in a colorful container could brighten their day.

A quick hug and kiss goodbye before you leave for work means a lot to those who like physical touch. Foot massages or shoulder rubs, even quick ones, says they matter to you.

Doing the dishes or taking out the trash without being asked speak volumes to those who like acts of service. Mowing the lawn, sweeping off the sidewalk or washing the car are other ways of showing you care.

When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse? We made suggestion in our March 28 blog for date activities. Ideas to put romance back into marriage are listed in our July 13, 2007 blog.

Marriage maintenance is a lifetime activity. There is never a time to slack off. The more maintenance done the stronger the marriage will be.

The thing to remember is the most mature spouse will do the maintenance work whether their spouse does any or not. Most of the time a spouse will start working on what they should do too. But even if they do not there is no excuse to stop doing your part.